The Wallpaper is Not that Bad is a funny essay in which Sam explains that the wallpaper, any wallpaper, is not so bad that you should try to get rid of it:
It could be too dark, some sort of nearly black faux wood paneling wallpaper, and it gives your house the ambience of a cave, and makes you feel lethargic and depressed and suicidal every morning when you wake up, so that you don’t even get out of bed, you lose your job, you gain 400 pounds, and your family abandons you. Even so, the wallpaper is not that bad.Why? Sam tells, in excrutiating (but funny) detail all about his attemptes to remove the wallpaper from his kitchen and paint the wall instead. The results were worse than what he imagined as the results of living with bad wallpaper:
At this point on the process, I have scraped, square inch at a time, the grapes out of my kitchen. I have poured a gallon of my blood out upon these grapes. I have vibrated my body into a moaning mass of miserable flesh. I have filled my house with the dust of a thousand deserts. I have saturated the sheetrock that still stands in my kitchen with a cornucopia of toxic fumes. I have turned into a near dead shadow of my formerly healthy self.It's funny to read about, but it's not funny to live through. What Sam -- and you, if you suffer from bad wallpaper -- should do is call a professional. Courtney & Wise are the people to call if you happen to live in Sydney. We'll come and remove the offensive wallpaper, prepare and paint the wall, and clean up after ourselves, while you enjy your life. Your health and happiness are at stake.